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Full Case File: Every Charge on Record

File #: PP-04-20-6969 (complete)

Aliases
'The Hopfather', 'Pondsino', 'Big Tongue Mickey'
Species
Lithobates clamitans clamitans (the unethical kind)
Birth pond
Sewer-grate 12, downtown Croaktown
Identifying mark
Scar over left eye. Refuses to say how it got there.
Last meal
14 (!) flies. Court entered plea of 'LMAO'.
Next of kin
One (1) twin. Disgustingly upstanding. Files on time, pays every pond-toll. We do not bring him up at dinner.
Known phobia
Honest work, daylight audits, and the phrase 'have you considered a real job.'

Confirmed Crimes

  1. § 09.1
    Cryptographic Tongue Forgery

    Forged his twin's tongue-print on 17 shell pondcompanies to launder $4.2M in swamp-bucks. Defendant's only legal defense, transcribed verbatim: 'lmao'.

    GUILTY — three concurrent terms in the Lily-pad Lockup.
  2. § 04.2
    Operating an Unlicensed Ribbit Casino

    Ran 'Big Tongue's' — a 24/7 illegal casino in the storm-drain under 4th & Cattail. Featured cricket fights, fly-roulette, and one (1) stolen blackjack table allegedly fenced from a riverboat.

    GUILTY — but business was VERY good while it lasted.
  3. § 11.6
    Witness Tampering (Fly Consumption)

    Ate a key witness mid-deposition. Witness was a fly. Court noted 'this is technically what frogs do' but charged him anyway out of principle.

    GUILTY — but tasty.
  4. § 02.7
    Aggravated Croaking-and-Driving

    Operated a lily-pad gondola while loudly singing about how much money he had made. Officer Croaksworth described it as 'kind of inspirational, actually.'

    NEGOTIATED DOWN — sentenced to one (1) public apology, did not apologize.
  5. § 07.3
    Lily-pad Ponzi Pad

    Sublet a single lily-pad to 41 separate frogs at once, settling each tenant's 'rent rebate' with the next tenant's deposit. The pad does not exist. Officer Croaksworth confirmed there was never a pad.

    GUILTY — restitution ordered in flies, paid in IOUs.
  6. § 13.0
    Impersonating a Tax-Paying Frog

    Strolled into the Croaktown registry and filed as 'the responsible twin — the one who never skips a pond-toll.' Every word a lie. The clerk wept. Subject then expensed the tissues.

    GUILTY — and frankly insulting to the frog he was impersonating.
Officer Croaksworth, badge #047

Croaktown Swamp P.D. — full disclosure file

The Dossiers — Charge by Charge

Each confirmed crime, opened up: the court-transcript excerpt that put it on record, and the arresting officer's note from the margin. Read in the order he committed them, if you can keep up.

  1. § 09.1

    Cryptographic Tongue Forgery

    The Court
    Mr. PooPee, do you understand the charge of forging your own brother's tongue-print across seventeen shell companies?
    Defendant
    Understand it? Your Honor, I wrote most of it. Beautiful penmanship. Ask the seventeen companies.
    Prosecutor
    He's confessing on the record.
    Defendant
    I'm narrating. There's a difference, and it is called confidence.

    Arresting officer's note — Recovered the brass tongue-press still warm (Exhibit EX-041). Subject offered to forge my signature on my own paycheck 'as a professional courtesy.' I declined. I think about it daily.

  2. § 04.2

    Operating an Unlicensed Ribbit Casino

    Prosecutor
    You ran a twenty-four-hour casino out of a storm drain.
    Defendant
    I ran a community center with excellent odds and a strict no-snitching dress code.
    The Court
    There were cricket fights.
    Defendant
    The crickets signed waivers. Very small ones. Admissible, I'd argue.

    Arresting officer's note — Raided 'Big Tongue's' at 0300. The fly-roulette wheel was still spinning when we breached. The blackjack table matched a riverboat theft two ponds over — subject called it 'pre-owned.' Three guards from that night have stopped returning my calls.

  3. § 11.6

    Witness Tampering (Fly Consumption)

    The Court
    The witness was to testify at nine o'clock. At nine o'clock, there was no witness.
    Defendant
    There was a snack, Your Honor. Timing is everything in this business.
    Prosecutor
    He ate the witness.
    Defendant
    Allegedly delicious.

    Arresting officer's note — Subject licked his lips during the formal reading of the charge. For the record: I have written down the lip-lick. I will not be elaborating.

  4. § 02.7

    Aggravated Croaking-and-Driving

    Officer Croaksworth
    I pulled the gondola over. The defendant was singing about his own net worth. In key.
    Defendant
    Officer, you sang the second verse with me. The harmony was your idea.
    The Court
    Officer Croaksworth — is that true?
    Officer Croaksworth
    ...It was kind of inspirational, Your Honor.

    Arresting officer's note — I would like the preceding statement struck from the record. It will not be struck from the record. I have made my peace with this.

  5. § 07.3

    Lily-pad Ponzi Pad

    Prosecutor
    You leased one lily-pad to forty-one separate tenants at the same time.
    Defendant
    Forty-two, if you're interested. Ground floor's still open. Bring a deposit.
    The Court
    There is no pad.
    Defendant
    That's the genius of it, Your Honor. No pad, no overhead.

    Arresting officer's note — Confirmed for the file: there was never a pad. Forty-one frogs paid deposits on open water. The forty-first is, somehow, now recruiting for the scheme from inside the courthouse lobby.

  6. § 13.0

    Impersonating a Tax-Paying Frog

    The Court
    You walked into the registry and filed as the responsible twin — the one who never skips a pond-toll.
    Defendant
    I filed as a frog of impeccable character. The name was a formality. The character was borrowed.
    Prosecutor
    The clerk wept.
    Defendant
    And then I expensed the tissues. Filed under 'charitable giving.'

    Arresting officer's note — The frog he impersonated has filed every form on time for thirty years and has never once been worth writing about. Subject did more damage to that good name in four minutes than its owner could repair in a lifetime. Subject calls it 'a public service.'

Chain of custody maintained by Officer Croaksworth, badge #047. Transcripts certified accurate, against his better judgment.

The lay of the swamp

The Swamp Map

Five ways deeper into the underworld. Pick a door — they all wind back to me eventually. That's how you know whose swamp it is.

Lost? Good — a frog who can't be found can't be served. Every trail on this map is a work of parody; follow at your own risk.

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The rap sheet stays open

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