A swamp-mafia frog behind bars for crimes he absolutely did commit. Read the rap sheet, meet the crew, and pick a side of the swamp.
Tale of two tadpoles
Same clutch of eggs. Two destinies. Spoiler: only one of us is interesting enough to write a movie about.
Self-made swamp tycoon • Career criminal • Iconic
Yeah, I did it. What of it? Pull up a lily pad — the story's just getting good.
Wholesome bog frog • Currently writing memoir titled 'Why Me?'
I'm innocent! I just want to clear my name! Boo-hoo, hoo-hoo, hoo.
PeePoo says I 'framed him.' Listen: if anything, I gave him a story. A purpose. Main-character energy. He should be paying me royalties.
File #: PP-04-20-6969
Forged his twin's tongue-print on 17 shell pondcompanies to launder $4.2M in swamp-bucks. Defendant's only legal defense, transcribed verbatim: 'lmao'.
GUILTY — three concurrent terms in the Lily-pad Lockup.Ran 'Big Tongue's' — a 24/7 illegal casino in the storm-drain under 4th & Cattail. Featured cricket fights, fly-roulette, and one (1) stolen blackjack table allegedly fenced from a riverboat.
GUILTY — but business was VERY good while it lasted.Ate a key witness mid-deposition. Witness was a fly. Court noted 'this is technically what frogs do' but charged him anyway out of principle.
GUILTY — but tasty.Operated a lily-pad gondola while loudly singing about how much money he had made. Officer Croaksworth described it as 'kind of inspirational, actually.'
NEGOTIATED DOWN — sentenced to one (1) public apology, did not apologize.Sublet a single lily-pad to 41 separate frogs at once, settling each tenant's 'rent rebate' with the next tenant's deposit. The pad does not exist. Officer Croaksworth confirmed there was never a pad.
GUILTY — restitution ordered in flies, paid in IOUs.Strolled into the Croaktown registry and filed as 'the responsible twin — the one who never skips a pond-toll.' Every word a lie. The clerk wept. Subject then expensed the tissues.
GUILTY — and frankly insulting to the frog he was impersonating.Property Room — Swamp P.D.
Confiscated at the scene of arrest. Tagged, bagged, and somehow still appreciating in value.
Suspected stolen. Still fits. Refuses to surrender it on the grounds that it 'completes the look'.
Written entirely in fly-blood. Mostly profits. The losses column is a single doodle of a laughing toad.
Still lit at the moment of arrest. Defendant requested it back 'for closure'. Request denied.
Held 47 unsent threats, all spelled correctly. Last draft reads: 'tell my brother nothing'.
Used to forge tongue-prints on shell pondcompany filings. Recovered still warm. Smells faintly of crime.
Not his. Not on file as anyone's. The lab is 'looking into it' and would very much prefer not to.
Grants the entire south marsh to 'B. T. Mickey'. Notarized by a frog who, on inspection, does not exist.
No explanation given. Defendant smiled when asked. We have decided not to ask again.
★ Croaktown Bulletin ★
Approach with caution. Subject is armed with a tongue and a great smile.
BOUNTY
3% of the take
(and bring a cigar)
Reward offered to any frog willing to help with the breakout. Subject considered fully unrepentant. Will absolutely flee to the islands. Will absolutely cut you in for 3% if you ask nicely and bring a cigar.
See the full rap sheetCroaktown Dept. of Corrections
Incident log, Cellblock D. One entry per occasion the defendant does something worth writing down. He keeps the log busy.
Defendant requested a second pillow citing 'executive back.' Request reviewed. Defendant does not have a back in the legal sense. Pillow denied.
Visitor turned away at the gate. Claimed to be the defendant's 'better half' and the 'real innocent one.' Wept in the lobby for forty minutes, left a casserole, would not give a name. Casserole logged into evidence. It was, regrettably, very good.
Defendant attempted to barter a contraband cigar to a guard in exchange for 'early parole and a small seat at the table.' No such arrangement exists. Cigar confiscated. Defendant winked. I have written down the wink.
Routine cell sweep recovered a hand-drawn map labeled 'the islands.' Defendant insists it is 'abstract art.' It has a compass rose and a dotted line. Filed under flight risk. Defendant remains, as ever, completely unrepentant.
Defendant filed a formal grievance that his mugshot 'is not being merchandised aggressively enough.' Grievance noted. Grievance is not a corrections matter. Defendant asked for it back so he could frame it.
These are only the latest five. The full incident archive runs back to DAY 412 and keeps growing — Officer Croaksworth files a new dispatch every time the defendant gives him a reason.
Read the full dispatch archiveWord on the swamp
PooPee is the only frog I've ever respected. He stole my wallet AND gave me business advice. Both were valuable.
I tried to arrest him three times. He gave me a cigar and a job offer. I'm a corrupt cop now. Worth it.
Let him out for one ribbit. He ran the whole cellblock smoother than the warden's office ever did. The man could run for governor of the swamp.
PooPee owes me 12 flies and a dignity. I'd let him slide on the flies. Not the dignity.
Sold his autograph for a small fortune in flies. No regrets. PeePoo's autograph? Couldn't give it away.
My brother PeePoo cries in court. I do not. That is, allegedly, the difference between us.
I've posted bond for both twins. The other one autographs sympathy cards; this one autographs confessions. Only one of them ever skips. It is not, allegedly, this one.
Ran the headline 'POOPEE SEEN LEAVING COURTHOUSE SMILING.' Sold out the lily pad in an hour. I've never gotten a single chirp off the soft brother across the water.
Croaktown's fish-wrap of record since the flood
Page One
Local frog denies everything, charmingly
Courts
Judge adjourns early; defendant 'had a thing'
Family desk
Twin spotted filing a police report, again
Business
Seventeenth shell pondcompany reports record 'nothing'
Nightlife
Storm-drain casino 'never existed,' packed to gills
Property room
Three exhibits vanish; officer buys new watch
The lay of the swamp
Eight ways deeper into the underworld. Pick a door — they all wind back to me eventually. That's how you know whose swamp it is.
Lost? Good — a frog who can't be found can't be served. Every trail on this map is a work of parody; follow at your own risk.
Go-live signal drops on-site and on X the moment the tunnel dries. ($POOPEE minting via MintMill — soon.)