The Swamp v. PooPee

1. The Bench

   We are on the record. Case PP-04-20-6969. The Swamp against one PooPee. Counsel, read the first charge.

2. Prosecutor

   Section nine-point-one. The Defendant forged his own brother's tongue-print across seventeen shell pondcompanies and washed four-point-two million swamp-bucks through them.

3. The Bench

   How does the Defendant plead?

4. The Defendant

   lmao

5. The Bench

   Let the record reflect that the Defendant's plea, verbatim, is 'lmao.' Is that a plea of not guilty?

6. The Defendant

   It's a plea of beautiful penmanship, Your Honor. Seventeen signatures. Not one of them shook. Ask my brother — he's never signed his name that steady in his life, and it was his name.

7. Prosecutor

   He is confessing on the record.

8. The Defendant

   I'm narrating. There is a difference and it is called confidence.

⚖GUILTY — three concurrent terms in the Lily-pad Lockup.

1. Prosecutor

   Section four-point-two. You ran a twenty-four-hour casino out of the storm drain under Fourth and Cattail.

2. The Defendant

   I ran a community center. Excellent odds, live music, and a strict no-snitching dress code. The neighborhood loved it.

3. The Bench

   There were cricket fights.

4. The Defendant

   The crickets signed waivers. Very small ones. Admissible, I'd argue.

5. Prosecutor

   The blackjack table matches a riverboat theft two ponds over.

6. The Defendant

   It was pre-owned. I'm not responsible for a table's past. None of us chose where we came from.

7. Officer Croaksworth #047

   We breached at oh-three-hundred, Your Honor. The fly-roulette wheel was still spinning when we came through the grate. Three guards from that night have since stopped returning my calls.

⚖GUILTY — but the Bench notes business was, and I quote the Defendant, 'VERY good while it lasted.'

1. The Bench

   The State's witness was to testify at nine o'clock. At nine o'clock, there was no witness. Explain.

2. The Defendant

   There was a snack, Your Honor. Timing is everything in this business.

3. Prosecutor

   He ate the witness. The witness was a fly.

4. The Defendant

   Allegedly delicious.

5. The Bench

   The Court is aware this is, technically, what frogs do. The Court is charging him anyway, out of principle.

6. Officer Croaksworth #047

   For the record: the Defendant licked his lips during the formal reading of the charge. I have written down the lip-lick. I will not be elaborating.

⚖GUILTY — but, per the certified record, tasty.

1. Officer Croaksworth #047

   I pulled the gondola over, Your Honor. The Defendant was operating a lily-pad vessel while loudly singing about his own net worth. In key.

2. The Defendant

   Officer, you sang the second verse with me. The harmony was your idea. I have witnesses. I have the harmony.

3. The Bench

   Officer Croaksworth. Is that true?

4. Officer Croaksworth #047

   ...It was kind of inspirational, Your Honor. I would like the preceding statement struck from the record.

5. The Bench

   It will not be struck from the record.

⚖NEGOTIATED DOWN — sentenced to one (1) public apology. The Defendant did not apologize.

1. Prosecutor

   Section seven-point-three. You leased one lily-pad to forty-one separate tenants at the same time.

2. The Defendant

   Forty-two, if you're interested. Ground floor's still open. Bring a deposit, Your Honor — no pressure, but it's moving fast.

3. The Bench

   There is no pad.

4. The Defendant

   That's the genius of it, Your Honor. No pad, no overhead.

5. Officer Croaksworth #047

   Confirmed for the file: there was never a pad. Forty-one frogs paid deposits on open water. The forty-first is, somehow, recruiting for the scheme from the courthouse lobby as we speak.

⚖GUILTY — restitution ordered in flies, paid in IOUs.

1. The Bench

   The final charge. You walked into the Croaktown registry and filed as the responsible twin — the one who never skips a pond-toll.

2. The Defendant

   I filed as a frog of impeccable character. The name was a formality. The character was borrowed. I gave it back in worse shape, sure, but I gave it back.

3. Prosecutor

   The clerk wept.

4. The Defendant

   And then I expensed the tissues. Filed under 'charitable giving.'

5. The Bench

   This Court has heard enough. On every count before it, the finding is the same, and the Court sees no reason to phrase it politely.

⚖GUILTY — on all counts. The frog he impersonated files on time and has never once been worth writing about. The Court finds him GUILTY AF.